That girl is so dangerous. Watch out, I've seen her type before.

And all our sins, comeback to haunt us in the end; to hang around and tap us on the shoulder.

 

I have no idea why but I've been thinking a lot lately about mistakes, regrets, sins. And while I don't like to see things this way, as I feel that everything I have done in my life has been a learning experience, I feel that some things I have chosen to do do not reflect on the kind of person I am.  Things where I have hurt other people, whether intentionally or not.  I sit back, and think why? Why, did I do these things that were just not me? But maybe that was it. Maybe I was still in the process of finding me, and along the way I got a little lost. Maybe I shouldn't beat myself up about these things since I do seemed to have self reflected and learned something from each of these things. I've found myself at a sort of crossroads, wanting to be hoenst about the person I've grow into without denying the road I took to get to where I am, but on the other hand, not necessairly wanting to admit to some of these seemingly awful things. Things also are never as awful as I perceived them to be...

 

So we bottled and shelved all our regrets let them frement and came back to our senses.

I always thought I would never find that guy that I could finally be happy with. A guy that could be everything I was looking for, and more. And even though the stars seemed to have aligned.... there is always something. For us, it's distance. I broke up with my semi-serious boyfriend to move to another province, only to get here, fall for another guy with great distance between us. But for the first time in my life, the distance doesn't seem to matter. We spend endless nights talking and playing online games together (because we are both nerds) and we've been able to begin sharing our passions with one another. But here comes the kicker,... We've been talking for almost two months now and we have never officially met. Distance prevents either of us from being able to meet until next month anyways. But the strange thing is- I feel completely connected to this person, and anyone who knows me knows it takes me FORVER to get comfortable and trust someone.

 

One last little tidbit..... I met this man online. Yes, I know. I know ALL of the horror stories and I always said I would NEVER be one of those people. But, I found myself moving out to the middle of nowhere and longing for someone to talk to, friendship, anyone. And after a handfull of creepy or sketchy people, I finally met one that I wanted to talk to. And from there everything has just clicked. It's like fireworks everytime I talk to him. And everytime I think about him I get butterflies. I have never felt this way about anyone! It scares me but excites me all at the same time!

 

And he is already talking about long range plans. He wants me to move to where he is to work next year, when my contract is up and I will be on the move anyways. It's kind of scary, but I kind of like it.

It's funny that my last post was about being the "other girl" because I started thinking today. I thought about how awful I felt when another girl did that to me... and that make me NEVER want to do that to anyone EVER again.

 

I'm feeling a lot of things lately. I've begun my new life in the praries and it's good. I'm getting along just fine and am starting to get used to life up here. I'm thinking I may even stay awhile! Who knows! The biggest contributor to my happiness here has been my newfound friendship in a colleague and my friendship with a Native man.  Both friendship are incredibly important to me and I don;t know what I would do without either. Both of these friendships have made me reevaluate myself as a friend and how I treat my friends. It makes me more onscious of how I treat my friends. 

 

One of my new friends is a 50 year old man with a family and children. It sounds completely bizaree and we have absolutely nothing in common but he is one of the nicest people I have ever met. He gives of himself selflessly and it blows my mind. He doesn't think twice and is able to give. He would give his right leg if someone needed it.  He is one of the most selfless people I have ever met.  He has been a better friend to me than I feel I have been to friends I've had for over ten years in the short time we have been friends.  He has welcomed me in with open arms and makes me feel like I have a place in the community and with his family.

 

And well, my other new friend... what can I say about her? She's bee great. I'm lucky to be working and friends with such and amazing person. I'm glad our jobs mesh into each other.  I feel I can really be myself in our friendship and well, here in general. I don't have any guards up here and it feels great. I think for the first time in my life, I'm finally being myself!

 

I have one of the hardest jobs in the world though and get paid peanuts for doing it. But I wouldn't want to be doing anything else!

I never thought I'd turn into this person. I never thought anyone would EVER call me "the other girl." Lapses in judgment convinced me that messing around with a good friend was okay, when in fact I put his relationship, as well as, our friendship in jeopardy. I never wanted anything to come of it, so why bother for a one time thing when so many things would be at stake for all parties involved? Maybe is was the element of danger in doing it. Maybe it was the building sexual tension in our friendship. Whatever the reason, it felt nice. It felt nice to be that close to someone I trusted as a friend and not want anything else to come of it. It felt comforting; a sense of comfort I haven't felt in quite some time. I can try to rationalize the situation all I want, but the fact still remains: I was the other girl. I've been there and HATED the other girls who interferred in my relationships, but finally becoming her... I've finally realized that it's NEVER the "other girl's" fault. If anyone is tempted enough to cheat with an outside party, they aren't truly happy with something in their current relationship. 

I find myself at a crossroads, and despite excessive amounts of self reflection and thought I am no closer to figuring anything out. I'm caught between school and the working world, youth and adulthood, dating and "serious dating" and I don't know what to make of any of it! Faced with an abundance amount of uncertainty in my life I can't help but break down. And that's what I've been doing lately hiding and breaking down. The days I'm not have panic or anxiety attacks I'm hiding from the rest of the world. Hiding literally or hiding behind a drunken facade. Hiding from the questions, "So, what are you going to do with your life" "Do you have a job yet?" "Are you two still dating?" The answer to these and pretty much every other question is " I don't know, so stop asking!" As if the pressure to move away and find full time employment aren't stressful enough as it is, I am met with what seems like a parade of questions everytime I speak to family, friends, and family friends. The internal pressures are intense enough without adding all the external pressures created by other people in my life. But no one else gets it. They tell me to apply to jobs like it's easy, like I haven't already been doing that. People suggest applying for retain jobs as if they know that these jobs exist and why aren't I applying for them! What do people think I'm honestly doing, wishing on stars for jobs? I'm applying, there just aren't any jobs in my field right now. People with more experience than me are finding it difficult to find work in my field. Times are tough. People just need to relax and leave me alone!

This can't be happening to me...
.....this is just a dream.

If I could tell you what I really thought of you...

I would tell you you are a horrible person.

I would tell you you have hurt far too many people that I love.

I would tell you that you have become nothing more than a joke.

I would tell you you are wasting your life away.

I would tell you you are much better than the person you have become.

I would tell you that I thought so much more of you...

I would tell you how happy I am to have you out of my life.

If I cared enough I would tell you all of these things...

and then I would tell you I miss you, and I wish things were the way they used to be, when we were friends.

I haven't written in this is a very, very long time. But I think it's time to start writing again. I always find myself writing at times when the pressure seems too much to bear, and now is one of those times. The pressure is mounting and mounting. And I'm not sure how to deal with any of it. I have chronic migraines that nothing can seem to chase away. And my mother, the fueler of the fire, continues to add to the chain of pressure. I'm ready to be away from this place, these people. The more I think about it, the more England is looking like a good place to start. How far must one travel to finally be happy? I don't know the answer to that. But, I know I'm not happy here. There are still things that make me happy here, but it's time for something new. Everything has become worn out and played out and it's time for a new adventure to escape the pressure...

How do you mourn the death of someone you have known your entire life but never have had any form of relationship with?

Grandparents die, and it's usually a sad occasion. But I'm not sure how to feel. In my 23 years my grandfather never once took the time to get to know me, and sadly we never had a close relationship. And whilst he was still my grandpa I don't feel like I ever got to know him. Maybe it was my fault in my adult life for never making the effort and never going to visit him- but how do you begin to develop a relationship with someone once you become and adult that has never taken an active interest in your life growing up? 

I tried for a log time to forgive him for his past with my mother and for his lack of effort with my brother and myself, but I was never able to forgive him.  Even now, in death, I can't say I forgive him. And maybe I will never forgive myself for never being able to grant him that forgiveness and make the effort to develop a relationship with my last grandpa.

 I made peace with my grandfather's passing a year and a half ago when I spent the better part of a solid week in the hospital in ICU. I thought I had lost him back then, and really he had always been lost to me. 

I mostly just feel sad for my mother. I want to be there for her and I'm not sure how to. I've never been close with my mother, but I can't imagne the pain and hurt she must feel right now. 

As much as I have never felt close to my grandpa, I am sorry to say that he has passed. I'm sorry for the tremendous amount of pain and hurt his children are experiencing right now. I'm sorry I was never there for him. I'm also sorry I couldn't forgive him.

Some things never change.. and yet, other things seem to change so drastically in the blink of an eye.

After all the pain and heartache I have felt over the last few years, I wasn't sure my cynical jaded heart would ever open itself up to loving again- until now. What I really needed was to find the right guy. I needed to date a guy that would really care about me and just be there for me. Someone who wouldn't let me push them away, as I often do in relationships. Someone who could look me in the eyes and tell me "you're amazing, and I love you." I feel like a huge sap writing this, but whatever. I was formerlly love's greatest cynic, now reformed. I am feeling deeper emotions than I have ever felt and this means more to me than most other things in my life. This relationship has become more than just a relationship and extended itself into other facets of my life. At the end of the day though, I am glad that he was able to show me that I can love again. That I can mend the pieces of my broken heart and give myself to someone else.