That girl is so dangerous. Watch out, I've seen her type before.

I'm hard to explain but lately I just feel like I've been going through the motions without any real purpose. I go to work, I come home and work, go to sleep, wake up and repeat. My heart has felt broken, and I haven't been able to figure out what has been making me feel this way until today... I realized what I've been missing over the last 3 months is my involvement with Big Brothers. So, tomorrow after work I am going directly to Big Brothers and submitting my volunteer application :)

I guess I need to face reality. And the reality is that for some reason or another you will always have a part of me. No matter where our paths in life seem to take us we always end up finding our way back to the familiar. The further our lives seem to take us from one another and the more time that passes that we don't talk, when we do reconnect it's like no time has gone by. Granted our talk always seems to end in an ever so familiar place. And though I'll never tell anyone else, I enjoy our "talks" more than you'll ever know. Whether we "talk" once a year or not again for another few years, that's okay by me because I know that whenever that talk does happen... it will be something special!

My heart feels very heavy today. I am 3 weeks away from moving on to the next chapter in my life, and while I couldn't be more thrilled, I couldn't be more sad at the same time. Every time I think about the relationship I have built with my little sister over the last few months, my heart breaks into a million pieces. I am also going to greatly miss the friendship of a fellow co-worker. I came to count on her as a good friend and I will miss our hang outs and venting sessions. I only hope to meet more amazing people as I move on to the next chapter in my life. I will never forget the friendships I made here or the experiences I had. And I will be forever greatful to have had these wonderful people in my life. 

One more very exciting thing going on here that I have yet to mention since I have become very unreliable in my blogging over the years. After a very long a very long 7 months... I finally was paired up with my little sister. Rejoining the Big Brothers association was the best decision I have made in a long time. Aside from my one on one match, I have also become involved with Big Bunch activities, volunteer planning groups, fund raising for the group, and am going to go out for a board of directors position. I am so happy I made the decision to get back involved in such a great organization. And my little sister is wonderful! We get along so well we are like two peas in a pod! Anyways there;s some good news as of late!

I'm having an extremely emotional day and I'm not sure what's going to come out today. So, here goes....
Firstly, I've been listening to the Dixie Chicks for the last 30 minutes... and I don't even like the Dixie Chicks? What is going on with me today? Alright here it is...
So, it's that dreaded time of year again, application time. That time of year where I am still employed but constantly thinking and getting anxious about my employment for the next school year. It's all I can think about... I spent a good two days over my February break just getting all my stuff together, applications, resumes, references, everything! And I still have yet to hear anything back... and I know it is extremely early to hear back about jobs because I didn't hear anything last year until almost the end of APRIL! BUT.... my roommate has already been called for two interviews this week already and we applied at the same time. So, that's a little discouraging. I've been trying my best to be happy for her and hide the little jealous monster sitting on my shoulder.. but I am jealous. We compared resumes and philosophies and I put so much more work into mine! And for her to already have been called twice just frustrates me. Especially since the first board that called her is the one board I'm really trying to get into :(
So, here I am bummed as hell for the last two days and all it seems like she keeps doing is bringing it up. I know she's excited and I would be too if I were in her position... but... it feels almost hurtful especially when she told me very nonchalantly today about her 2nd call for an interview. She said it like it was no big deal and she could care less about it. That hurts knowing how much work I've put into trying to just get one interview.
And something tells me I will be waiting until the end of April again... wouldn't that be awful...
I'm trying really hard to be patient and just believe but today that's not so easy....

Dear Ex-boyfriend,

So you wanted to rid me from your facebook? Cool, we don't really talk anyways. But why am I still in your profile photos? Please delete me from all profile photos if you feel the need to delete me from facebook, otherwise this just doesn't make sense to me? Am I still in your photos because you want all your non existent friends to remember that ONE girlfriend you had that ONE time a million years ago? And then what was that I heard about you taking advantage of my best friend? You can't get a SOBER girl to sleep with you so you wait until one starts to pass out before you start to touch her.... funny, when we dated you barely touched me (I thought I was a pseudo girlfriend to cover up some homo erotic tendencies perhaps) oh yah, and this best friend of mine....(yah, the one you always told me you couldn't stand because she was so ditsy and dumb?) AND you want to go and make snide little remarks about dating "sorority" girls on your wall.. you HAVE no idea.. Whatever we had barely qualified as a relationship. Sure, we dated but honestly, you thought that was a relationship? We communicated less than Mr. Bean. Come on now. You disappeared for 2 months and barely said hello to me. Oh, and that night I didn't answer my phone... yah it was because I was hooking up with another ex (one who was actually GOOD in bed). Oh, and that trip you made to visit me? You thought it was to rekindle a relationship and the whole time I knew it was to say goodbye and good riddance.. sorry you didn't get that memo. So, this is my FINAL goodbye to you. Because I'm much better off without you in my life at all. Hitting that one little "delete" button is probably the best thing you could have ever done for me. So, thanks again and good riddance to you!

Sincerely,
Your long distance EX

Another year....another problem?
Experiencing strong pangs of emotional feelings?! WHAT? Me? YES!
Everything is making me emotional and everything is making me cry. This is not normal at all.
What is going on with me?
I think my holiday visit back home made me realize everything I'm missing back there.. and being back here realizing I have nothing here. Except a large pit of lonlieness....

after months and months of shenangins I have come to the conclusion that I am much too old for roommates. I've been doing this shit for 7 years! Different roommates over the last 7 years. But my most recent situation as held me to feel like I'm ready to live on my own. I am tired of feeling stressed out in my own home. I want to be able to go home and just relax and not have to worry about cleaning up after anyone else or taking care of anyone else. I'm just so exhausted... after a long day at work I just want to come home and be alone. Is that too much to ask?

'Cuz baby tonight.. the Dj's got us falling in love again...

A reckless weekend away has left me wondering....wondering about everything.  A weekend that brought one deisicion I still cannot seem to understand. After making said decision, I'm left wondering why? Why did I decide to do this? And after asking myself time and time again, I never seem to come up with any answer to this question. I think I did it because I could and wanted to, thus leading to the ultimate question.... of why I wanted to do something like this? Fully knowing the reprucussions of my actions I made the conscious decision to do something I never imagined myself doing, knowing as well, that it might hurt other people in the process. I feel incredibly confused and selfish for the decisions I have made... I feel so incredibly lost.... Feel like I'm losing myself.... and I don't know how to find that person I used to be.

After all these years and I come back to find myself in the same situation I was in last summer AND the summer before. Why is it that I always seem to find myself in the same situations even after all these years? After all the pain and all the heartache and I still find myself coming back to the same old dilemma. I made this mistake several times over, so, one would think that I would know better than to make the mistake again. But, alas, here I am actually mauling over the dilemma when the answer seems so incredibly obvious to me and I'm sure anyone else who would know of the situation. Why is it that we always do things that we know are bad for us? (knowing what the outcome will be) Am I doomed to make the same mistakes over and over? I wish I could be strong enough to resist and do what I know is right, but I'm not sure I'm that strong...